01/13/23

Good morning! It’s Friday, January 13th. National Rubber Ducky Day.

National Rubber Ducky Day? Who’s writing these holidays? Ernie?

Nailed it. Nailed the joke. No notes. Let’s call it a day.

And now, the news.

Weather Across the Country

-Alabama via AP News

-California via AP News

This is a weather podcast now, because of how we used aresol cans once in the 90s and now we have about 3 years left on this planet.

Starting with Alabama, where a giant storm in the south killed at least six people before spawning a tornado that damaged around 40 or 50 homes in Selma.

Meanwhile, in California, the entire state is preparing for yet another storm this weekend, after last week’s atmospheric river that slammed the Kim Moffat State.

(I’m not the only one calling it that, okay. It wasn’t even my idea. People just decided to call California The Kim Moffat State on their own. What am I supposed to do about that?)

Biden Update

-via Washington Post

BIDEN CRIME UPDATE TIME

No no, I’m just kidding.

But we do have an update on the discovery of classified documents in an old office of Biden’s and, as we now know, his home. As you may remember, yesterday I mentioned that more documents were found but didn’t know where yet. Turns out, they were in his locked garage next to his corvette.

Because of this, yesterday AG Garland announced that former Maryland US attorney, Robert K. Hur, has been assigned to investigate Biden’s handling of classified documents. And yeah, great. Let’s investigate it. But also… hey bud, you sure are moving much faster with Biden than did with Trump.

And listen, I’m not saying I’m unwilling to believe Biden did anything wrong because he’s a democrat and I like him more than Trump. First of all, liking someone more than Trump is just… the bare minimum I give almost everyone. True bottom of the barrel stuff.

This classified documents thing sucks, but, again… it is not the same thing as what Trump did. I’ll give you a little segment intro music if that changes. But, as of right now, I’m going to have to end this segment the way I’ve ended all the other ones about this…

Reminding you that this is not the same thing as what Trump did, and anyone trying to tell you otherwise is very silly.

20-Hour Train Delay

-via NY Times

In news just for me… a 17 hour train ride from Virginia to Florida was delayed by 20 hours after a freight derailed in South Carolina.

Let me tell you something… On my train trip last year, we had two 8 or 10 hour delays for two different reasons and they were miserable. I mean, you can’t open windows and, depending on where you are, it’s not like they can let you get out of the train. It’s rough.

Will all of the delays in the airlines, we need to seriously invest in train travel. Starting with… Amtrak should not have a monopoly on the trains, and the freights should not have a monopoly on the rails.

Mayor Pete, Call Me. I Have Some Thoughts.

Lisa Marie Presley Has Died

-via Buzzfeed News

Some sad news to report - Lisa Marie Presley, the daughter of Elvis, died Thursday evening. She was 54.

Elon Musk Loses It* (*Money. Lots of It)

-via Buzzfeed News

But I can’t go out on that sad note. So let’s talk about something that’ll make us all feel better.

Elon Musk! Wait, hang on. Elon Musk isn’t the thing. Here’s the story though:

Elon Musk has said a world record for the largest loss of personal fortune.

Take a minute. Hear that again.

Because he didn’t just lose a lot of money. He set a World Record for being SUCH a loser.

Now, the bummer is that he still has a lot of money. But still.

And let’s be clear about this. He didn’t just lose the money because he played the wrong stocks or gambled it away or whatever. He lost it with his brain. He lost it because he made terrible business decisions.

In all, his wealth has dropped by $182 billion.

And I think that’s great.

And that’s it. That’s the news.

I’m proud of… Ernie. I do wish he was able to live his most authentic life, but you know what? He lives with some great friends. He’s got a solid, if not a little high-strung, roommate. He loves a bath. He locked in that apartment early and it’s probably rent-controlled.

All in all… we could do worse than being Ernie.

But more than that, more than Sesame Street’s Ernie… because you have more than one shirt… (Ernie only has one shirt. That’s the joke there. Whatever. The point is…) I’m proud of you.