02/16/23

Good morning! It’s Thursday, February 16th. National Almond Day.

Hey! Are you looking for something that can be salty, sweet, candied, or milk? Try an almond! They’re great for you and terrible for the environment.

And now, the news.

First off – sorry about no news yesterday. As you may know, if you listened to Monday’s episode, we relaunched the nonprofit as We Are Voters and it turns out – it’s a LOT of work to launch or relaunch a nonprofit. I was exhausted.

But I’m back to talk about the millions of pieces of news that broke while I was trying to get you to vote. Starting with…

Michigan State University

-via CNN

The hardest story of the week. All of these stories are awful, but some hit a little too close to home.

On Monday night, a gunman killed three and injured five Michigan State University students.

The hunt for the shooter lasted hours before he died by suicide after he was confronted. The shooter was a 43 with no known ties to State. In his pocket, police found a note in his pocket indicating that he planned to attack two schools in New Jersey.

And because this is America, some of the students who survived Monday’s shooting had already been through similar experiences. Emma Riddle, a freshman, was an Oxford High Student and was at school when a student opened fire there – killing four and injuring seven more.

And that’s how we talk about it, right? Four killed, seven injured. Three killed, five injured. As if that’s the entire picture. As if everyone else, who sheltered in place or jumped out of a window or thought, honest to god believed, that they were going to die… doesn’t count. We literally don’t put them in the numbers. We don’t count the parents who got the texts from their kids telling them that they were ok. That they were scared. That they weren’t sure if they were going to make it out, but they loved them.

We don’t count them. We don’t count the secondary victims. Who might drop out of school. Who will never walk into a crowded room the same again. Who will have survived, only to find themselves back in that lockdown every time they hear about another school shooting. And let’s be honest – there will always be another. Because thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers, but the second you try to prevent it from happening again, you’re politicizing.

But not doing anything about it – that’s political too. This is a political issue.

The 2nd Amendment becomes seen the pillar that holds a nation up, instead of what it is – our ruin.

What happened Monday night was horrible and preventable… if the lawmakers who stand up for guns were willing to do something amazing and stick up for people in a bigger way.

Buffalo Shooter Sentenced to Life

-via Reuters

The white supremacist who killed ten Black people in a grocery store in May has been sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole.

While he currently has only been sentenced to life in prison, he could still receive the death penalty, if he’s convicted of the pending federal hate crime charges.

Wayne Jones, the son of one of the victims told him he hoped he didn’t get the death penalty, so he could suffer with what he’d done for the rest of his life.

At one point, while a victim’s sister read an emotional statement, an unidentified man lunged at the shooter but was stopped by police. Unfortunately.

I mean, listen – violence is never the answer. But, you know… a little bop to the head of a white supremacist doesn’t really count, right?

Justice Department Won’t Charge Gaetz

-via NY Times

Matt Gaetz, the abhorrent House Republican from Florida who even just typing his name brings flames to the side of my face style anger, will not be charged with the time he (allegedly) sex trafficked women, including one minor, and then obstructed justice.

And why do I roll my eyes when I say allegedly? Because he asked Trump for a pardon. You know… like innocent people do.

In a related, “you are the company you keep” story, his little buddy Joel Greenberg was sentenced to 11 years in prison on sex trafficking charges.

Great time to remind you that, even without the charges, he is still an undeniably abhorrent creep with a terrible haircut who should absolutely lose his job next year.

Nikki Haley Announces Bid for President

-via CNN

Nikki Haley, the former UN Ambassador under Trump, announced her bid for the presidency on Tuesday, claiming the nation was ready to move on from the “division and distractions” of modern politics. Adding, “I mean, I literally have no idea who or what to blame for such things. Wild. Super super wild. Anyway…”

She is the second Republican to join what is sure to be yet another crowded primary. Look for a few more announcements in the coming weeks, including Tim Scott, Rick Scott (no relation), and Mike Pompeo.

Obviously, even without his announcement, Ron DeSantis is the biggest challenge to Trump. Well, I guess technically, the lack of love he feels for himself and therefore will let himself feel for anyone else is his actual biggest challenge. Politically speaking, aside from the many, many criminal and civil investigations, the guy who once put an N-95 mask on sideways (not upside-down… sideways) remains Trump’s biggest challenge.

As for Haley, despite two terms as the governor of South Carolina, and her time as the UN Ambassador, her biggest challenge is, of course… that Republicans hate women. So….

Pence Will Fight Subpoena

-via AP News

In “my guy, get help. Or get bent. Either way!” news… Mike Pence will fight a subpoena compelling him to come on in and talk about the time a guy who will never want to hang out with him unless being forced, because if you can’t even be a friend to yourself how can you befriend others, did the literal only thing he’s good at and lost the election. Not sure why we was so surprised, as he literally always loses. Except he’s incapable of critical or rational thought so yeah I guess I really think about it, it does make sense. And instead of feeling a single emotion about it, he just gathered a whole bunch of people who worship him in a real creepy way, but who he’d rather wear an average-length tie than hang out with, the rise up arms against this country and the very democracy they claim to love so much. And as they did it, in honor of and at the planning of a fraction of a man who doesn’t even know how to apply self-tanner correctly, they went on the hunt for Pence to, as they were prompted to do by the guy in charge of it all… kill him.

Do you… remember that time?

I’m talking, of course, about January 6th. Although even I can see that my descriptions of the events, while accurate, are getting a little out of hand.

Anyway, Coach Beard’s special counsel would like to talk to Pence about Trump’s efforts to overturn the free and fair election he lost. And Pence, who on the day seemed like a real big boy, has decided… no thanks. Because he is not a big boy, he is feckless.

He believes it’s unprecedented, which is true… but it’s also unprecedented to have a president literally incite an insurrection after losing an election. So, you know… we’re gonna do some new things here.

He is expected to take his fight for his right to let Trump pull his string like a spineless Pinocchio all the way to the Supreme Court. Where I would imagine the Supreme Court will say, “oh we don’t want to be a part of this. Because we like… we get it. But we hang out with historical badman Justice Thomas and like… we’re just trying to stay so far away from this, for as long as we can, because Thomas for sure had some sketchy conversations with his wife, who then had some sketchy conversations with Trump’s chief of staff. And we’re already dealing with A-Leak-O over here, so we’d rather not have to get into January 6th stuff too.”

Or maybe they’ll just let Pence slide?

Either way… the point is… Michael. Get therapy. What happened to you was probably super scary, but it was also illegal and Trump isn’t going to pick you as his running mate. So tell us what happened and maybe, just maybe, you can get him out of the running because he’ll be, rightfully, charged with sedition.

Aliens?!

-via Time

It’s not aliens. That’s what the White House would like us to know about the three, post-balloon, objects that have been shot down from the sky. We don’t know much more than that though, which doesn’t really help their case. The reason we don’t know much is because these objects are still being recovered. One was shot down in Alaska, and the car-sized object is probably on a glacier. Two more objects, one cylindrical and one question mark emoji, have landed in Canada or at least, as is the case with the question mark emoji one, we think that’s where it is? It was shot down at the around the border.

So… that’s the update. It’s not aliens. We don’t know what they are, but they’re not from aliens.

Wink wink.

Ted Lasso Sets Premiere Date

-via Apple

And finally, and I do mean finally, Ted Lasso has set a premiere date. Season three will begin airing March 15th.

And that’s it. That’s the news.

Sort of. Tomorrow we’ll talk more about what’s going on in Ohio.

In the meantime… I know I gave them a hard time in the beginning of the show but I am proud of almonds. The milk is good. The snack is good. The water use IS bad, but you know… avocado trees also use a lot of water so… that’s doesn’t really prove my point at all.

But more than that – more than the almond milk latte’s I’ve been making myself in the mornings and afternoons, because you treat yourself like an adult and get a healthy amount of sleep… I’m proud of you.