05/24/23

Good morning! It’s Wednesday, May 24th.

National Escargot Day!

Fun Kim Fact – when I was a kid, sushi and escargot were my cuisine of choice. I was SUCH a classy little kid… not sure what happened.

And now, the news.

Trump Crime Update Time

-via CNN

Okay, so here’s how we’re doing this today… starting strong, ending with a story that you do NOT want to miss, and then less fun news in the middle. Good plan? Good plan. Let’s go, starting with….

Trump Crime Update Time!

(just a little one)

Hey, what are you doing March 25th, 2024? Well, if you’re anything like me, because, unless Ted Lasso gets a fourth season and suddenly, magically, is on air in March of next year – you’ll be watching your other favorite show: Actions and Consequences.

Trump’s New York Money Crimes trial, for which he pled not guilty last month to the 34(!!!) charges against him, will begin on March 25th.

Right in the middle of his presidential primary.

Ever a friend to the constitution… Trump’s concern was, of course, the First Amendment. Trump is, however, able to defend himself publicly in the allegations related to this case. However, he is not allowed to share case evidence with the public unless given prior approval by the Court.

Gee… I wonder if he’ll break that rule.

Surgeon General Warns About Social Media

-via NY Times

On Tuesday, the surgeon general issued a warning about the risks of social media to young people. To which I was like – oh no! And then he was like – you are not young. So… bad news all around.

The report notes that the full effect of social media on adolescent mental health are not yet currently known, but “there are ample indicators that social media can also have a profound risk of harm to the mental health and well-being of children and adolescents.”

He then called on tech companies to enforce minimum age limits and default settings for children. He also called on the government to create age-appropriate standards.

South Carolina Signs 6-Week Abortion Ban

-via AP News

The South Carolina Senate signed a six week abortion ban on Tuesday, which the governor has promised to sign.

We talked about this last week, but it’s worth a reminder… South Carolina is a sneaky one. We talk about Florida a lot, because they have alligators and DeSantis and frankly the alligator could have me in its mouth mid-chomp and I’d still have absolutely no problem telling you DeSantis is more dangerous. We talk about Texas a lot because I have a Texas tattoo and I love it, and also because Greg Abbott factually does not care about anyone else and Ted Cruz is such a power hungry dinkus that even though 250 people died in his state during the freezing winter while he tried to escape to Cancun, leaving the family dog behind and them blamed his kids for when he got caught, he still, just last week, made a joke about Cancun as if it was nothing.

So, you know… Florida and Texas take up a lot of our attention but don’t sleep on South Carolina. Because South Carolina is also… very very bad.

DeSantis Poised to Announce Presidential Run

-via NY Times

On Instagram I called this a Mad Libs of everything I hate headline, so here we go: Ron DeSantis is poised to announce his 2024 presidential run today on Twitter with Elon Musk.

Now, not only is Ron DeSantis terrible and dangerous and already showing us the many many ways that, on the off-chance he actually becomes the nominee, we have to knock every single door to make sure his hateful heinous self does not become president… he is also, it turns out, bad at announcing his run for president.

He’s doing it on a live audio conversation.

Ah yes, live audio conversations… the thing Twitter is known for.

Let me tell you something – I hate to bring her name, which is so good and full of such joy, into a story that is about two of the worst people teaming up but… last week, Kelly Clarkson did a Twitter audio conversation as part of her launch of her new single (which is, honestly, so good. Song of the summer). And I love Kelly Clarkson! She’s my big sister!

I listened to that audio thing for like… 15 seconds.

So anyway… it’s planned for 6p EST. If it makes news, I may cover it. But there you go.

Least surprisingly thing possible announced in the worst way possible.

Used Chapstick Auction

-via Politico

And finally… The weirdest possible story.

Like, before I get into it, take a second and thing: what is the weirdest story you can think of, that might be news?

Got it in your head?

Okay great. This one’s weirder.

During their weekly private meeting, House Republicans took a moment away from discussing the debt ceiling to… auction off Kevin McCarthy’s used cherry chapstick.

This is not a joke.

Now, who do you think won? Which absolute WEIRDO was like – yes, I will bid on that.

Yeah, duh. Marjorie Taylor Greene.

You guys, she bid $100,000!

The offer also includes McCarthy joining her, and whatever donors she wants, for dinner.

So like… for $100,000 she bought used chapstick and dinner with her boss.

By the way – the dinner thing was added AFTER bidding started. Which means, at first, it was only for chapstick.

Two questions.

Actually a lot of questions, but my main two are this: first of all, who was like – sweet cherry chapstick Kevs… how much do you want for it?

And also, at what point did the bidding feel so pathetic that Kevin through in the dinner?

Absolutely mortifying.

This is a, for real, whole part of our Government. And they have the House! They are in charge of the United States House of Representatives because they have the majority! They were ELECTED as the majority in the House. And they’re just… paying $100,000 for used chapstick.

I truly cannot think of one single person that I would want to buy used chapstick off of.

So weird. Imagine doing this! And also, imagine telling people you did this!

Absolutely bizarre.

And that’s it. That’s news.

I’m proud of… anyone who didn’t spend $100,000 on USED chapstick!

Also, we stay proud of Kelly Clarkson.

But more than that… more than a perfectly cooked starter of escargot… because you’re a little salty sometimes…

I’m proud of you.