09/14/23

Good morning! It’s Thursday, September 14th.

National Rosa Tequila Day.

I… don’t know what this is. I mean – I can guess. I’ve had rose gin before, so I’m assuming this is similar? It looks pretty.

Hey, you know what? If you know what this is, um… buy it for me.

And now, the news.

Danelo Cavalcante Caught

-via AP News

Folks… they caught him.

The two-week hunt for murderer Danelo Cavalcante ended Wednesday morning after thermal imaging in the air allowed officials to narrow their search around 1am. Before 8am, a US Customs and Border Patrol team surrounded him. He still tried to escape the 25 or so officers, but a police dog subdued him with two chomps – to the forehead and thigh. He was arrested, and forced to take a group photo with the officers that caught him (for real).

After two weeks of terror, the hunt ended in capture and… a joke.

Because at the press conference, someone asked (for real, someone really asked this) if there was any concern that Cavalcante, who is 5’2”, would team up with another short fugitive and get on their shoulders under a trenchcoat, Little Rascals style.

No word on whether police were worried about that so… I can only assume that was a top concern.

Mitt Romney Announces Retirement

-via CNN

In “omg I totally forgot you go here” news… Mitt Romney has announced his retirement from politics. In a moving statement he said, “I will continue to be completely ineffectual and useless from the sidelines.” No no, he didn’t say that… out loud. Just in my head.

He did call on BOTH parties to find new leadership, saying neither Biden nor Trump have done anything to address crisises like climate change or a rising national debt. What he didn’t say is that Biden would love to do literally anything, but his party continues to stop him at every turn. And acting as if there is no difference in the leadership of Biden and Trump makes me so angry I feel like my head will actually pop off of my shoulders, cartoon-style.

And THOSE comments are exactly why I 1: totally forgot you go here and 2: will continue to not miss you in politics. Bye.

Boebert Remains a Class Act

-via AP News

And speaking of the Republican party, but over in the House… Lauren Boebert!

Colorado House Rep Lauren Boebert, who is, somehow, like a real actual elected official in national politics, was kicked out of the Beetlejuice musical for what guests say was “vaping, singing, using phones, and causing a disturbance.”

Her campaign manager, because she is seriously seeking reelection, says this did happen but denied the vaping. Which means… probably the other person she was kicked out with was vaping but she was doing all the other things.

I mean – no one’s surprised. But still.

But wait, would you like to hear her campaign manager’s official comment? Via text Drew Sexton wrote: “I can confirm the stunning and salacious rumors: in her personal time, congresswoman Lauren Boebert is indeed a supporter of the performing arts (gasp!)” Adding that Boebert, “pleads guilty to singing along, laughing and enjoying herself.”

First of all – you WROTE gasp? Be more lame. Also the rumors are not that she goes to the theater, friend. The rumors (and video that shows her being kicked out) are that she’s super rude and inconsiderate. And not for nothing but like – duh. We knew.

Classically, she also gave a “do you know who I am?”

UNC Chapel Hill Back in Lockdown

-via WSOC-TV

Just weeks after a teacher was shot and killed on campus, UNC Chapel Hill was back in lockdown after reports of another armed person on or near the campus.

A little over an hour later, the suspect, who brandished a gun at a bagel shop near the campus, was arrested and the lockdown was lifted.

Luckily, no shots were fired but I really can’t even imagine these students having to go through this again.

MGM Cyberattack

-via USA Today

MGM International appears to still be under a cyberattack. I could see if this was like – one day that maybe this wouldn’t be big news. But this is a huge company that makes a lot of money from slot machines that are down. I don’t understand how this isn’t bigger news.

I really am carrying the whole news industry on my shoulders, huh?

Trump Crime Update Time

-via NBC News

And finally…

Trump Crime Update Time

(don’t touch that! Edition)

The judge overseeing Trump’s illegal dibs calling crime case (that’s the one where he took some of our nation’s most classified documents, illegally, and then lied about having them, and then lied about them being secure and it turns out a lot of them were just in a bathroom, the décor of which is a crime against home décor)… remember this one?

The judge, Judge Cannon, in that case has ruled that Trump will have limited access to the evidence (aka the classified documents) and is also barred from discussing the material.

This is mostly in line with what Jack Smith, aka Coach Beard, asked of the court because, although Trump has no idea what declassifying really means, the documents are still, in fact, classified. And since he has a history of literally showing reporters the documents to make himself seem cool (poor guy… it’ll never happen), it’s for the best that they limit that.

So good move all around, I’d say.

And that’s it. That’s the news.

I really did want to talk about Russia and North Korea but you know… the Cavalcante thing really threw a wrench in that.

We try again tomorrow!

I’m proud of rosa tequila. Again… I don’t totally know what you are but please feel free to send some my way.

I’m also proud of the dog that gave Cavalcante a little chomp. Not a bad day at work for that pup.

But more than rosa tequila, but I know exactly what you are… I’m proud of you.