03/27/24

Good morning! It’s Wednesday, March 27th.

Manatee Appreciation Day!

Who’s out here not appreciating manatees? Imagine being such a monster that you’re against these big mammals that just like float around not doing anything to anyone.

Hey, fun fact - they replace 90% of the air in their lungs in one breath. By comparison, dumb humans only replace 10% in one breath. They’re so efficient. Also, they can hold their breath underwater for up to 20 minutes!

And now, the news.

Francis Scott Key Bridge

-via AP News

The big story is, of course, the awful story out of Baltimore that a cargo ship, called the Dali, struck the Francis Scott Key bridge early Tuesday morning. The bridge collapsed, killing six of the construction workers that were on the bridge at the time.

It happened after The Dali ran out of power. The pilot tried to slow the ship down after giving a mayday call saying they’d lost their steering capability. Amazingly, the Maryland Transportation Authority only needed two minutes to stop all traffic on the bridge. Though some cars did fall in the water, authorities believe they were empty.

In all, there were eight construction workers on the bridge at the time of the crash. Two were able to be rescued and, as of this recording, one has been released from the hospital.

Biden has already promised that the bridge will be rebuilt, with federal government picking up the costs. Ship traffic entering and leaving the Port of Baltimore has been suspended indefinitely.

SCOTUS Hears Mifepristone Arguments

-via CBS News

Also on Tuesday, the Supreme Court heard arguments in the Mifepristone case which would limit the availability of the abortion pill – despite literally being safer than Tylenol.

And guess what? Shocking basically everyone, the Court seems inclined to side with the FDA, which would keep that sweet sweet availability as it is – including continuing to allow it to be mailed without an in-person doctor’s visit.

Not that the Court is pro-choice (well some are. Others are… not people I think, currently, should be able to judge others when they’re out here being bads). But in arguments, the Justices focused most of their questions on whether the doctors who filed the suit had shown that they could be injured by its actions, and if those alleged injuries could be traced to the FDA's easing of the rules. If the court decides that the doctors do not have legal standing to sue - which like… how? What injuries? Your feelings because you’re being real weird about what other people do with their own bodies? – the case may be dismissed without actually deciding if the FDA acted lawfully when they made the pill more available.

So possible good news – we’ll know more when we know more.

Ronna McDaniel Out at NBC News

-via CNN

In “yeah, saw that coming” news…

Ronna McDaniel, the former (just recently ousted) RNC chair who was also, you know, part of the election stealing scheme that Trump attempted (she was involved in a phone call in 2020 to pressure Michigan county officials not to certify the vote in the Detroit area, literally telling officials, regarding the certification: “Do not sign it. … We will get you attorneys.”) – who was hired on Friday by NBC as a paid political analyst (which is INSANE)… has been let go.

Stop hiring people because you think they’re edgy politics are going to get you ratings! Her politics aren’t edgy… they’re insurrection-curious. McDaniel tried to help Trump steal an election.

Find two brain cells, rub them together, and leave her resume in the trash.

I. Mean!

Paxton Scores Deal

-via Texas Tribune

And hey, while I’m already fired up… Texas Prosecutors struck a deal, a casual three weeks before trial, with Attorney General Ken Paxton to drop (drop!) securities fraud charges against him if he performs 100 hours of community service, takes 15 hours of legal ethics courses (lol) and pays $271,000 in restitution to those he is accused of defrauding more than a decade ago when he allegedly solicited investors in a McKinney technology company without disclosing that the firm was paying him to promote its stock.

And! He doesn’t have to enter a plea! His lawyer says he was “happy to agree to the terms of the dismissal.”

Yeah. I bet he was!

Trump Crime Update Time

-via Washington Post (TruthSocial stock), NBC News (gag order), and NBC News (Trump bible)

Alright, let’s end with some

Trump Crime Update Time

(so much to make fun of edition) because now I’m mad!

First, annoying news I can’t make a lot of fun of – TruthSocial (I mean, we can definitely make fun of the name!) is now officially a publicly traded company. It surged up to 50% at one point, but ended the day trading 16% up. Bummer. Also a bummer because it’s traded under Trump’s initials.

Honestly, if he promised to never interfere in politics again – never run. Never donate. Never talk about… actually, yeah no if he just never spoke in general… that would be better. I would be fine with this. Have your whatever initials on the stock exchange, but just leave the democracy you hate alone.

But over in his hush money case (one day there will be a better name. To be honest, I really never think about it until I’m writing the episode and then it’s like… I’m just so busy being clever all over this episode. I don’t have the energy to do it here! It’s gotta come organically!)

(Wait… is that whole rant the new name? No… too long.)

Anyway, in the hush money case, Trump has been handed yet ANOTHER gag order. It’s almost like I’m not alone in my desire to never hear his speak again.

The ruling orders Trump to refrain from "making or directing others to make public statements about known or reasonably foreseeable witnesses concerning their potential participation,” as well as about individual prosecutors, court staff, jurors, and potential jurors. The order does not apply to the judge or Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg.

Trump campaign spokesperson Steven Cheung called the order "unconstitutional," which is cute because does anyone really believe they know about the Constitution?

And then… this story is so wild that honestly it feels like you’d see it on SNL or the Onion but no… this is very real.

Donald Trump is selling a Bible.

Called the “God Bless the U.S.A. Bible.”

Why? Well according to him, “All Americans need a Bible in their home, and I have many.”

I’ll remind you that Trump literally has a famous photo holding a Bible upside down because he may have many Bibles, in his home, but I know he hasn’t read it.

Also. God bless the USA? Just because you like the song, doesn’t mean you can name the Bible, THE BIBLE, after it.

That’d be like me naming a Bible after Kelly Clarkson’s cover of Happier Than Ever! (Though it is a religious experience.)

This is insane. How do people not see through this?! Also, it’s $59.99 BEFORE shipping and any other ABG (Always Be Griftin) fees. INSANE! Churches give them away for free!

Hey, you know what? Guys… don’t buy this Bible. Okay?

And that’s it. That’s the news.

I’m proud of… well I’m not proud of anyone that is a part of Trump selling a Bible. Including whatever loser named it.

I am proud of manatees. They cute!

But more than that, because you cute too… I’m proud of you.