04/01/25
Good morning! It’s Tuesday, April 1st.
April Fool’s Day
Which, as we know… I hate. Pranks are too stressful. I like little bits, but no pranks to make someone feel bad or stressed. In this economy? No way
All of that to say, even though some of these stories sound like pranks, or we wish they were pranks… No April Fool’s pranks allowed.
And now, the news.
Missing Soldiers
-via ABC News
Starting with a sad update on the four US Army soldiers who went missing in Lithuania last week on a training mission.
On Monday, the bodies of three of those missing soldiers were found in a swamp, inside of the armored vehicle they were in.
The cause of the investigation is ongoing. They were sent to extract another vehicle, and the military believes that they may have slipped off the side of the road on their way to that extraction.
The search for the fourth soldier is now a search and recovery.
Liberation Day
As I teased yesterday, let’s talk about tariffs.
Yay! Thanks, Kim! We love it, Kim! Because while we understand tariffs, we also understand the back and forth of Trump announcing them and then backing out because he heard the word tariff once, and now that’s his whole vibe even though he doesn’t understand them but what are we but a country run by vibes and fascism?
Tomorrow is what Trump is calling Liberation Day – during which he’ll roll out a set of tariffs that he said will free the US from foreign goods, but he has yet to say what they’ll specifically be.
It’s also unclear how long these tariffs will actual stick, since the majority of the tariffs he’s rolled out, he’s then rolled back because, in his eyes, he was able to cut a deal. But in real like, we got nothing out of the deal.
What is clear, because he said it, is that he’s doing it on April 2nd because he thought people would think it was a joke if he did it on April Fool’s Day.
Oh buddy… it’s not the date that makes this a joke.
One that we know for sure is that there will be a 25% tariff on cars not made in America, though who knows how long that’ll hold.
Liberation Day!
Feels bad!
And if it feels bad… it usually is!
The S&P ended March with its steepest decline in more than two years – all driven by market fears over these tariffs.
Look, here’s the thing. I could give ya all the market predictions and fears that I see online. Any of us could.
I’m not going to. This will shock you, I know, but I am not an expert in market predictions. I’m an expert in Parks and Rec quotes and the Speed 2: Cruise Control storyline.
We’ll take this news here as we get it. Tomorrow tariffs will be announced. Who knows what the reaction will be. Who knows how long they’ll stick.
When we know more, we’ll know more.
Trump v Harvard
-via CNN
On Monday the Trump administration announced that they are investigating almost $9 billion in contracts in grants between the government and Harvard University over the case of whatdayathink? Ya think ya’r better than me? Harvard? Just because you're wicked smart it doesn't mean you are better than me.
That’s an impression of Amy Poehler giving her commencement address to Harvard in 2011.
What could this brain do, if that wasn’t something I didn’t even need to look up?
Anyway! No, actually, they’re being reviewed by the Departments of Education and Health and Human Services as well as the US General Services Administration for what the government says is the school’s response to antisemitism during protests over the Israel-Hamas war and Israel’s actions in Gaza.
This is exactly what they did to Columbia University, in which they reviewed $400 million in grants and contracts.
Columbia announced changes to their curriculum and policies in order to get that $400 million needed. And by the way, it’s not like things are fixed with Columbia. In a joint statement between the Departments of Education and Health and Human Services as well as the US General Services Administration, Columbia’s changes were called a “positive first step” but that
But that’s $400 million.
For Harvard, it’s nearly $9 billion.
Do you really think he cares that these universities didn’t do enough to protect students from antisemitic attacks?
Look, antisemitism is wrong. Full stop.
When it happens in schools and the workplace and in the streets, it needs to be stopped. Zero question. But Trump called the nazis in Charlottesville “very fine people,” and he does everything he can to get Elon to like him because neither of their dads told them they loved them. This administration lifts up antisemites.
It’s not about that. It’s never been about that.
It’s about using Jewish students as an excuse to bend these Universities to their will or out of existence. They are going to use Jewish students and then cast them aside.
Don’t be fooled.
Harvard has not yet responded.
Museum and Library Funding at Risk
-via NPR
On Monday the Institute of Museum and Library Services, who has a new acting director in Trump’s deputy secretary of labor Keith Sonderling, place its entire staff on administrative leave.
What do they do? They fund museums and libraries through grants.
Like, the majority of the funding to your library comes from the group that was just laid off.
Not only are libraries used for books, in many communities this is the only way folks get on the internet. This is how they look for jobs. How students do homework.
Museums are how we expand our worldview.
So… actually yeah all of this makes sense for as to why they want to shut it down.
They’re going to stop funding libraries!
This is literally just the Hitler playbook now.
Judge Denies Trump More Deportations
-via NY Times
I can’t leave it like that on a Monday!
Let’s get some good judicial rulings in here.
Hundreds of thousands of Venezuelan immigrants are allowed to stay in the United States without risk of legal deportation after a federal judge ruled that rolling back the Temporary Protected Status program would cause irreparable harm.
Which of course it would!
So that’s good news.
For now.
Expect this one to go to the Supremes.
Also note that I said “legal deportation” because the 250 or so Venezuelans that were sent to El Salvador weren’t charged with a crime. So is that legal? Sure isn’t!
And that’s it. That’s the news.
What’s wrong? Too short? Do you really want me to cover the story about how Trump has agreed to meet with Bill Maher as a favor to their mutual friend, Kid Rock?
Because that’s a real story. That’s not fake in any way. This came from his ironically named Truth Social on Sunday:
“I got a call from a very good guy, and friend of mine, Kid Rock, asking me whether or not it would be possible for me to meet, in the White House, with Bill Maher, a man who has been unjustifiably critical of anything, or anyone, TRUMP. I really didn’t like the idea much, and don’t like it much now, but thought it would be interesting. The problem is, no matter how much he likes your Favorite President, ME, he will publicly proclaim what a terrible guy I am, etc., very much like the Democrats at my recent Address to the Joint Session of Congress, where I stated, correctly, that no matter what I said or did, they wouldn’t stand, they wouldn’t applaud, they wouldn’t smile or laugh and, certainly, they wouldn’t be in any way “nice.” Who knows, though, maybe I’ll be proven wrong? In any event, I’m doing a favor for a friend. I look forward to meeting with Bill Maher, Kid Rock and, I believe, even the Legendary Dana White will be present. It might be fun or, it might not, but you will be the first to know!”
This is the timeline we live in.
There, are you happy? I covered the Kid Rock story.
Who is this fake outrage for? It’s a bit. I’m not mad at you. I could never be mad at you.
In fact… I’m proud of you!.