03/13/23

Good morning! It’s Monday, March 13th.

National Napping Day.

Which is great, because you may or may not know that I am a GREAT napper. Is napping a skill? You bet. Let me tell you how to do it

For beginners, if you feel like you need to be in bed to nap – that’s a habit you’re gonna need to break but, in the meantime, lay perpendicular to how you normally sleep in bed. Don’t turn off all the lights… don’t trick your body into thinking this is an 8 hour sleeping situation.

Why? Because it’s a 20 minute situation! So set an alarm and make sure you’re not sleeping for more than 20 minutes. Otherwise you’re going to enter deep sleep and that’s how you get groggy.

ALSO – when you’re ready to really step it up… try a coffee nap! That’s where you drink some coffee before your nap. Caffeine takes between 5 to 30 minutes to kick in. And since you only nap for 20 minutes now, it’s going to kick in at the exact right moment.

I can’t stress this enough… I am VERY good at naps.

And now, the news.

Silicon Valley Bank

-via AP News

The big story is, of course, the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank, the bank of the tech industry. All the robots go there.

I’m just kidding. I think. I guess I don’t really know where we are with robots right now.

Anyway, I mention this to tell you… hey! I’m gonna talk about this tomorrow, in a special episode. Because banking is confusing, that’s why I leave it all to the cat to do. So since I had to do a bunch of research, you have to suffer the consequences of me talking about it for a whole episode.

Sorrrrrryyyyyyyy

The Time Changed

-via Farmer’s Almanac

In “ugh” news… we lost an hour. Because of how we used to not have electricity, so we changed the time for farmers, so they could do their work in the daylight. But now we do have electricity, but we still change time.

It’s absurd, it’s annoying, and I don’t like anything about it. I have nothing more to say about it.

(whoosh)

Except I do! Because this is arbitrary! If time means nothing, as we are clearly showing here by not caring about it at all and changing it willy-nilly, then what are we even doing? Who likes the time change? Honestly… if you like the time change, you slid into those DMs and let me know, because I’ve met a lot of people in my life and, granted, I am not a great listener but I do my best and I’ve never once heard anyone ever say they LIKE the time change. Especially not this one, where we lost an hour.

Everyone loves getting that hour back. But that’s not about the time change, that’s about how sleep is great.

I realize my WHOLE THING is to just… be Leslie Knope. But this is truly the only way to explain my thoughts, and I firmly believe these to also be everyone’s thoughts, on time change…. Calzones are like pizzas but they’re harder to eat. They’re dumb. And so was that idea.

If you need to wake up earlier, wake up earlier! Stop making me pay the price because now I gotta change my oven clock, and do you know how annoying it is to make it an hour LESS?

Mike Pence Has Firm, But Empty, Words

-via NY Times

I don’t think this next thing should be a story, but I have to transition from the time thing into other real stories, so here’s a break in the middle with a story that means nothing to me:

Mike Pence, who doesn’t want to go on the legal record and actually talk about what happened on January 6th, a move that would almost certainly help get Trump charged with sedition, which he deserves, and bar him from ever holding office and being able to burn democracy to the ground… again… spoke at a dinner on Saturday and said this about the insurrection:

“President Trump was wrong. I had no right to overturn the election. And his reckless words endangered my family and everyone at the Capitol that day, and I know history will hold Donald Trump accountable.”

This means nothing to me, because he’s not doing anything to make sure that history isn’t the only one holding him accountable.

How do you think history will hold you accountable, Mike? Ya complacent, feckless, little… never gonna be president binkus.

We’re trying to hold the country together here, my guy. Get some therapy, and then see if you want to do anything real to help. Otherwise you’re just running your mouth for no reason. You’re a gossip and that’s how history will remember you.

He went on to make fun of Pete Buttigieg for taking paternity leave. Cool guy.

Boat Capsizes in San Diego

-via NBC 7

Eight people are dead after a smuggling boat capsized of Black Beach in San Diego. Two boats were headed to shore in the fog. While one did arrive on shore, the other, which held 15 people, overturned.

Project Willow Expected to Get Greenlight

-via Politico

Despite continued protests asking him not to, President Biden is expected to give the thumbs up emoji to the Willow project, which would allow ConocoPhillips’ plans to drive in Alaska.

Though the White House said that no final plans have been made, people outside the White House said they actually expected it to be approved on Friday. So put this one on your radar, as it’s looking like it’ll get approved any day now.

And that’s it. That’s the news.

I’m proud of naps. They’re important! Listen, get the right amount of sleep at night, but don’t be afraid to take a 20 minute snooze in the middle of the day.

Oh! And if you really want… my personal favorite, is a floor nap. Literally just… start an episode of Parks and Rec, grab a pillow, fall asleep during the cold open, wake up before the episode is over. You’ll feel great.

But more than that… more that the joy I feel when I fall asleep and wake up in the same episode of Parks and Rec… and then start the episode over again because even though I’ve seen it a million times I don’t want to miss anything… because you are also timeless and great… I’m proud of you.