05/17/24

Good morning! It’s Friday, May 17th

National Pizza Party Day!

Which is great because that means I have the chance to remind you that the best possible combination of pizza toppings is mushroom, banana peppers, and jalapenos.

I’ll be taking zero questions.

And now, the news.

House Passes GOP Bill

-via ABC News

Let’s start in the House, because two pieces of news came out of it today that really, um, they certainly were news. That’s for sure.

First up – on Thursday, the House passed a Republican bill that forces Biden to continue to send weapons to Israel, withholding funds for administration officials like the secretary of defense and secretary of state until the weapons are delivered.

Lemme say it louder for folks who don’t know who to vote for this year, because they feel like Republicans and Democrats are both bad.

Hey, Republicans want to withhold the salaries of officials until weapons are sent to Israel.

Not that Democrats are doing enough, but they’re not doing that.

It’s really just a symbolic gesture – Senator Schumer has already said he would not bring the bill to a vote in the Senate.

For funzies, Speaker Johnson said: "It is clear that Biden and Schumer have turned their back on Israel.” Adding, "They are carrying water for Iran and its proxies."

No babe, that’s not what’s happening here. And I know you know that because, to quote The West Wing’s CJ Cregg: “you're stupid, but you're not stupid.”

Ugh. How great is CJ Cregg?

House Looking to Hold Garland in Contempt

-via CBS News

And for our second House story…. A Republican-led (are ya seeing a theme here?) House committee voted on Thursday that they’re going to hold AG Garland in contempt.

So what’s going on here?

As a reminder, last year former special counsel Robert Hur sat down for an interview with President Biden, to get to the bottom of why he had classified documents from his time as Vice President. And the report was mostly fine but also had some very unprofessional comments, some of which were later proven false, about Biden’s memory. But it being fine, and saying specifically that there was no need to charge Biden with any crimes, was a problem for Republicans.

Because they’re giving up everything for a guy who couldn’t even sell steak and he had a ton of classified documents. He had them hidden all over the place. He lied about them. He lied to the FBI about them.

What he did, and what Biden and Pence did, were very different.

But because they’re so desperate for Biden to have committed literally any crime please, because that would make all of the crimes Trump has committed okay, they have decided that the Hur interview must have something shady behind it.

So they asked President Biden for them.

The President used his executive privilege to prevent the audio recordings from going to the Republicans. He did so at the recommendation of the Department of Justice, noting that they’ve already handed over the transcripts of the interview – twice.

But they want that sweet sweet audio! Because I’m sure they’ll be super normal about it, once they get it.

Anyway, they voted to advance a resolution out of committee to hold Garland in contempt. We’ll see what happens from here.

Trump Trial

-via NY Times

And of course, Thursday was just another day in court for Trump. Thursday saw the cross-examination of Michael Cohen.

There was one weird moment where the defense accused Cohen of lying about a phone call that Cohen says was to update Trump on the hush money but was, in fact, Cohen talking to Trump’s bodyguard about prank phone calls. And I don’t know who’s right and who’s lying, but a very funny sentence is that the defense said: “You were actually talking to Mr. Schiller about harassing phone calls from a 14-year-old.”

Just picturing Michael Cohen getting harassing phone calls from 14-year-olds is so funny! Come on… that’s just good classic comedy right there!

Anyway, the trial continues today.

Greg Abbott Remains the Worst

-via Texas Tribune

And let’s end with Greg Abbott – to be honest, I wish we’d never started with him for you know… you had a choice in 2014 to elect Wendy Davis, and ya kind of blew it big time Texas.

28.3% turnout!

That’s right… in 2014, Texas had a 28.3% turnout!

Isn’t that wild?

Anyway, and with that we get this…

On Thursday, Greg Abbott pardoned former US Army sergeant Daniel Perry for his crime of… murdering a protestor!

Yeah.

He was sentenced to 25 years in prison. Which makes sense – because he murdered someone. But Greg Abbott was like… hang on. Let’s hear him out…

And in his pardoning, he actually made a bad law worse. Proudy!

“Texas has one of the strongest ‘Stand Your Ground’ laws of self-defense that cannot be nullified by a jury or a progressive District Attorney.”

Self-defense? As a reminder, Perry was driving for Uber and encountered protestors near the Texas capitol. He honked at them, and then… drove his car into the crowd! He drove his car into the crowd.

Already bad.

Also, he was in the car. So what ground did he need to stand?

He was open-carrying at the time, and it’s unclear whether a protestor raised their (also legal to own and carry) gun at Foster. But he shot, without being shot at, without even needing to get out of the car in the first place or, hear me out, drive into the crowd! Anyway, he shot and then ran.

So why pardon this guy?

Oh, I forgot to mention. Those protestors – they were protesting the murder of George Floyd. And right before he drove into a crowd and then murdered someone and ran away… he sent a text message saying, “I might go to Dallas to shoot looters,” amongst his racist posts and tweets. Which his lawyers called “barracks humor” and while I don’t have any problem believing those horrendous jokes are happening in barracks… that doesn’t make it okay! That just proof of a different problem.

The sentence shouldn’t have been “oh that’s just barracks humor.” It should have been, “that’s barracks humor. Yikes. Don’t worry, we’re gonna talk to them. Therapy should be free and mandatory.”

Anyway, that’s Greg Abbott for ya. He’s just… terrible. Terrible!

28.3% turnout!

And that’s it. That’s the news.

I’m proud of pizza! It’s always there for us when we need it.

But more than pizza, because you’re always there as well… I’m proud of you.