06/13/23
Good morning! It’s Tuesday, June 13th.
National Sewing Machine Day.
Hey! Mom! National Sewing Machine Day! That’s a fun one for ya!
…my mom sews. I don’t. So I don’t have anything else to say to that.
And now, the news.
Climate Lawsuit Begins
-via The Guardian
The first ever climate lawsuit has begun!
In Helena, Montana, opening statements in Held v Montana were heard on Monday. The suit, brought by 16 plaintiffs between 5 and 22 years old, alleges that state officials violated their constitutional right to a healthy environment through pro-fossil fuel policies.
To which the dinosaurs said – whoa whoa whoa – you’re using us for fuel? Also I’m in court? Also… what’s a court?
And then Joey Manchy was like – hey man. Fossil fuels are cool. Have you seen my yacht?
As always – I’ve nailed the impressions.
Anyway, this lawsuit is just getting started so we’ll know more when we know more.
JPMorgan Chase Settles with Epstein Accuser
-via NPR
JPMorgan Chase has reached an agreement with Jane Doe 1, a survivor of Jeffrey Epstein’s abuse who accused the bank of facilitating Epstein’s heinous actions by continuing to do business with him.
The bank will pay $290 million as part of the settlement, if it’s approved at the June 26th hearing.
It’s one of several suits targeting the different banks who Epstein had financial dealings with. In fact, last month Deutsche Bank paid a $75 million settlement for a similar case.
In a statement to NPR, JPMorgan Chase said this: “We all now understand that Epstein’s behavior was monstrous, and we believe this settlement is in the best interest of all parties, especially the survivors, who suffered unimaginable abuse at the hands of this man. Any association with him was a mistake and we regret it. We would never have continued to do business with him if we believed he was using our bank in any way to help commit heinous crimes.”
Tour Boat Capsizes in Erie, NY
-via AP News
One person is dead, and 11 were injured, after a tour boat capsized during a tour of the underground caves in Erie, New York.
See, this is why I’m not into caves. You never hear good news about caves. It’s either no news, or bad news. And that’s enough for me to say no.
Sajak Retires
-via Hollywood Reporter
After more than a decade in the roll, Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak has announced that the show’s 41st season, which begins this September, will be his last.
He’ll continue to work as a consultant on the show for three years after he steps down.
No one wants to work anymore…
Tucker Carlson Receives Cease-and-Desist
-via Daily News
And speaking of leaving shows, except this time it’s not because someone’s just looking to retire, but instead because they’re a horrible human who has bad where there should be good… Tucker Carlson!
Fox News has sent Tuck a cease-and-desist order, demanding that he stop airing new episodes of his Twitter show.
Remember how he has a Twitter show? Man… what a dork.
So, here’s the deal – and Tuck, I know you listen, so listen up – when you are a TV personality, even if your personality is awful, you’re under contract with a network. Now, this is not the only job where it happens but still… even when you’re fired, or even if you were to quit, you would still be under contract. Which Tuck apparently is, through 2024.
Which means Fox retains the rights to keep his content exclusive to the network for the next 15(ish) months. Tuck, who does not understand the 1st Amendment at all, says this is a 1A violation.
To which the 1st Amendment was like – can you please leave me out of it? I’m so busy these days and like… if you’re going to demand that I come over here, can you at least read what I’m about first? Because this ain’t it, my guy.
As always… nailed it again.
Anyway, I’m sure this one will go to court but it feels pretty cut and dry to me.
Trump Crime Update Time
And let’s wrap this bad boy up with a little…
Trump Crime Update Time!
(Literal update, edition)
Today at around 3p EST, Little Boy Blue, aka Trump, will begin his hearing for the time he called dibs on a bunch of confidential papers and that was illegal enough but then, on top of that, it turns out he showed a bunch of people including, possibly, Kid Rock.
Prior to that, he will need to be booked and processed. Just saying that brings a smile to my face.
Now, don’t get too excited – the Miami federal courthouse is connected to an underground garage, so Trump may be fingerprinted there. Also, don’t expect handcuffs or a mugshot. In fact, expect this to fall more along the lines of the New York indictment proceedings. But remember – this is the SECOND time, for a totally different crime, that the former for-real-people-actually-voted-for-him president has been indicted.
So likely no handcuffs because it’s a controlled environment, and no mugshot because we know what he looks like.
We’ll talk more about it in tomorrow’s episode.
Still… as I did last time… I WILL drink some champagne when it happens.
Unlike last time… it will not be the whole bottle in an hour. That was unwise. I regret nothing, but will not be repeating at this moment.
Wait, a note… Little Boy Blue is not a nickname for him. I don’t know what to nickname him, and frankly, I would love it if, once all these consequences for actions are wrapped up, I never have to talk about Trump again. Little Boy Blue just came out, and then I wanted to look up what that song was about… it’s about a little boy looking for all of his old toys that are dead!
We… do not think enough about the meaning behind nurseries.
And that’s it. That’s the news.
I’m proud of… sewing machines. As a youth, they made me many an outfit. As an adult (but still very young. Basically a youth still.) they’ve made me many a quilt. Each more comfortable than the next.
But more than that… more than sewing machines because my birthday may have been last week but ABTAC – Always Be Thinking About Christmas – and I am not nearly dumb enough to say more than my mom… but I AM proud of my mom but you know… let me just quit while I’m ahead and say… I’m proud of you.